Are You Speaking My Love Language?

I have heard too many stories lately about couples in conflict, marriages falling apart and a general feeling of discontent in relationships. I listen to these stories over and over again, “You just don’t get me”, “She has no idea what it’s like for me”, “Would it be so hard for him to just come home, for once and act like he’s happy to be here with us” and one of the most common “You have no idea what I need or want!”. So here’s my big question- when is the last time you and your spouse sat down and had a REAL conversation about wants, needs and expectations?

When you first meet someone and you are in that dating phase, you remember- the one where you walk around on cloud nine, finding joy in the most menial of life’s tasks, eager to reunite with that someone special to pick up where you left off the night before. The time when you would sit and talk, sharing little details of your life story with one another. You share childhood memories, favorite foods, and crazy co-worker antics, future dreams about the ideal vacation destination or the ultimate job. As the bond gets deeper you begin to share some of the more intimate details of your life, you know the ones that you hold closer to your heart, perhaps the passing of a loved one that was your mentor growing up, or how hard it was when your parents split up. You get my point… the more stories you share, the more connected you feel and BAM- you’re in love! (Is it really that easy?)

How often during the time between your first meeting and the decision to begin a life together as a committed couple did any of those conversation revolve around what your love language is? I have no doubt that everyone sits down before they move in together or get married and has a chat about what they need emotionally from a partner, what they hope to be as a life partner and what they expect in return. Right?

Ok, if that was the case I’d have nothing to write about. The truth is- there is no magic wand that encircles a couple once they get down the aisle and bestows upon them everything they need to know to survive as a thriving couple. You have to talk to each other. Yup, you heard it here! You are responsible for making your partner aware of how to love you because let’s face it, they can’t read your mind. And if you’re sitting here reading this telling yourself that you already had those conversations years ago and something isn’t right in your relationship- people change. What someone needed 10 years ago or even 2 years ago may be different now but you’ll never know if you don’t have a conversation about it. And there’s always the chance that your spouse isn’t even aware that their needs have changed.

So, what am I talking about when I say your ‘love language’? Think about how you learned what love was growing up, most likely you learned by watching significant others in your life- your parents, aunts /uncles, friends. If your parents expressed love to each other through daily hugs and kisses, more than likely if this was a positive experience for you then you also adopt that love language. And if your spouse’s parents expressed love by buying one another gifts but rarely showing physical expressions of hugs and kisses, that likely becomes their learned love language. So now these two people come together and get married, fast forward a couple years and the spouse who feels love through hugs and physical affection may feel unloved or unhappy in the relationship when her spouse doesn’t initiate hugging her, holding hands and kissing. Resentment grows; she may begin to imagine the worst case scenarios. The spouse, who has his own love language, becomes frustrated because despite the nice house they bought, the newest model car in the driveway etc, she never seems happy. Brace yourselves-we have marital discord. He thinks he’s doing everything right by his wife, buying her a nice house and new cars; because that’s what you do when you love someone. What he doesn't know is that if he simply sought his wife out, wrapped his arms around her and whispered how much he loved her in her ear- her love bank balance would soar- And his bank account would probably benefit too when he learned that while gifts are a welcome surprise throughout the year, sometimes a random kiss is worth more than the new car. But how could he know this if it's never been talked about?

See where I’m headed here? Our personal life experiences- the good and the bad- shape how we choose to love others and how we need to be loved in return. We are all different. Next time you find yourself in that same pattern of feeling unloved, unappreciated, or misunderstood by your spouse- take it for the opportunity that it is- an opportunity to have a real conversation about how you and your spouse can better meet each other’s needs and learn what steps you can take now to begin speaking your spouse’s individual love language. 

PS: For a great book that explains love languages in detail, check out The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. 

Got Change?

How many times in a day or week do you think about something in your life that you would like to change? Perhaps it is a desire to change jobs, eat healthier, stay more positive, move to a new city or make a change in a personal relationship. Recognizing the need for change is always the first step in the transition process but how often do we find ourselves unable to move to the next step toward making that change? Fear sets in when we think about all that is involved in making the transformation, all the unknown factors we must face and fear keeps you stuck! For some people it is easier to stay stuck in a life situation rather than face the fear. But why not face the fear?

William Bridges, author of Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, says that “every transition begins with an ending. We have to let go of the old thing before we can pick up the new…” In trying to figure out why change is often viewed as such a scary thing, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps the letting go of the “old thing” is actually the scary part and not necessarily the unknown of the future? So how can you take the steps needed and push fear aside?

Start by getting rid of clutter, not the clutter in your home-unless that is the change you are trying to make! But rather the emotional clutter, the negative thoughts about yourself, self-judgments you hold. Look at how you have handled change in the past and evaluate the coping skills you were able to use to get through that transition. If coping skills were lacking, then perhaps consider what strategies you need to learn this time around-having a support system in place can make a huge difference in your ability to successfully get through a life transition. 

Change often requires reprogramming the mind (the way you think about things) and a whole lot of inspiration! I am a huge fan of the methods used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT helps to change the way we think about our beliefs, ideas or attitudes. One of the methods used is guided imagery-which utilizes the imagination to create a vision. In other words, you can visualize the change you are seeking, and imagine what that change looks and feel like. The more positive reinforcement and detail within the image the better- but it is also important to keep it simple at first. The basic idea is to then try to recreate the positive experience envisioned in the guided imagery exercise. If big changes are what you seek, it can sometimes help to break it down into smaller goals and work your way up. 

However big or small the change is that you want, fear should not stand in your way from making it happen. Do not let yourself become overwhelmed by change but rather embrace it and accept it. 

To learn more about CBT or to find a CBT trained therapist in your area please click here

Impeccable Words

I talk to all different people throughout the day, a meaningful chat with my husband, a light hearted anecdote with my children, a quick catch up with friends and colleagues …yesterday I had a short unexpected chat with my exterminator that left me feeling inspired so, of course, I need to share.

Jim has been coming to our home for the past six years, doing a wonderful job of keeping all the creepy crawlies outside where they belong! We’ve chatted it up through the years, the casual how have you been? How’s your garden fairing this season? Small talk. But today when he came I was apologizing for how disorderly my house is and how unprepared I was for his visit, despite my joy in seeing him because in the past 3 days I’ve encountered more spiders than I care to in a lifetime…anyway I apologized for what in my world seems like a mess (I’m a bit neurotic when it comes to my house) and explained to him that I had been away and was behind in my chores. With that he seemed to perk up with interest, wanting to know where I had been on my trip to which I quickly clarified that it was no vacation but a clinical residency for my graduate degree.

A few minutes later he asked me what I was going to school for, I told him and he went silent for a moment, tilted his head to the side and stared at me. I’ve had some interesting responses and reactions from people but the momentary silence caught me off guard- but then he leaned up against the wall, looked me square in the eye and with all the seriousness he could muster up said: “I’ve been married for 30 years- how do I get out of it?! “

I burst out laughing. We had a quick chuckle but it was what he told me afterward that is resonating in my mind. I commented on what a rarity he and his wife are, 30 years devoted and committed to each other is amazing and he told me that they actually married in 1961- we did the math and it would seem it’s been so good he lost 20 years somewhere! They are celebrating their 50^th wedding anniversary this year. Wow. He went on to tell me a little story about his wife.

She is a petite woman and over the years she had put some weight on, enough that she required a cane when walking. He went home one afternoon and spoke to her, telling her that he was worried that she was going to get sick one day, that something was going to happen to her because of her unhealthy habits and he didn’t want to experience that. Now, as a woman myself, I was really curious as to what her response was to hearing this from him. I half expected to hear that he spent a few nights sleeping on the sofa! However, he said she went online, researched healthy eating habits and nutrition plans and lost over 100 pounds in the first year!

The decision, motivation and commitment to changing her lifestyle deserves major applause but it could have gone really different- she could have gotten defensive, angry or hurt by this declaration that she needed to lose weight. So, what stopped that from happening? It was the WAY he spoke to her. His words were spoken with love. He didn’t go home and start putting her down, criticizing her or calling her names. He made a choice to express to her that he loves her, is worried about her and would be really upset if something bad happen to her. It’s a simple lesson we can all take into our personal relationships- before you speak, take a moment and make sure the words will come from a place of love and not criticism, nagging, defensiveness or anger.

Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements tells us that “The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.” Be impeccable with your word. 

Sometimes Change is Good

I have been doing a lot of writing lately, unfortunately none of it has been for fun and entertainment! Writing has always been a great source of expression for me and I am grateful to those who have taken the time to sit and read my rantings about the silly pups in my world. The past year has brought about many new things in my life, exciting things, but they have also meant making some changes. I made the difficult decision earlier this summer to close Endless Pawsibilities Pet Care. It was not easy, especially because the business was new and growing and quite honestly, I loved spending time with all my furry friends...and the occasional fish/ turtle (can't leave anyone out) but sometimes change is good.

I have been plugging away at my masters degree for 2 years now and I am jumping for joy as I count and report that I only have 6 more classes to go...with that particular degree. I am working towards my masters as a marriage and family therapist, a life long dream for me! I believe the sky is the limit when it comes to personal growth and when I set my mind to something- look out, I'm going to make it happen! When I got the idea earlier this year to add clinical addictions counseling to the resume, that meant dual graduate programs. With a ton of support and encouragement from my husband, I applied to a second university, was accepted and began classwork for the extra certification. So, 6 more classes for my MS MFT and 3 to go on the CAS certificate...then it's off to practicum and internships.

I miss writing for pleasure, and quite honestly I think it is a great way to express, connect and process all life throws my way so, I feel excited to say that Endless Pawsibilities will remain partially alive...at least as a blog, a place where I can share more than pet tales but also real life tales and experiences as I complete my journey towards LMFT and LCAS. I hope you'll stick around and enjoy my new twist on the "Endless Pawsibilities" life has to offer...

Joining a Dogs World

As I progress through my masters program, I realize more and more how some of the concepts of therapy can be applied to animal behavior as well as people. When you enter into therapy for the first time, there is a process called joining. The therapist conducts their initial assessment, asking questions about what has brought the person or family into therapy and a series of other questions that gives the therapist a view into the client’s world. Having a positive and trusting relationship is critical to the therapeutic process-without it, change will not happen. Joining involves taking an interest in the client/family, understanding their beliefs, values and perspectives and essentially becoming a part of their family system in order to guide the change that they are seeking. Trust is in integral component of the therapeutic relationship.

Not all people seek therapy out of their own free will, some are court ordered, referred by social services or perhaps desperate parents seek the help of a professional for their child. So, what does this have to do with animals???? I’m getting to that, I promise!- I have previously talked about all the animals waiting in shelters to be adopted and how a lot of them have come from abuse or neglect situations, each has its own story for how it ended up in a shelter, each comes with emotional baggage but unlike people, animals cannot tell us what they have experienced or how it influences their everyday behavior.

When I’m pet sitting, I spend time with lots of different dogs, pure breeds, mixed breeds, shelter dogs- ALL kinds of pups! Thanksgiving week I spent some time with some very special fur babies; one particular dog had a rough start to life before she was adopted into a great family! When I had my initial consultation, her owner’s shared with me that she had been abused by her past owner and while she is absolutely loveable, adorable and a happy dog, her previous experiences still haunt her when faced with certain situations. I knew I might be in for a challenge…

My first visit entailed me getting barked at for at least 30 minutes straight! She clearly was sending me a message that said- “I’m not comfortable with you being here in my space!” I spent a lot of time during that 1^st visit trying to calm her down as she acclimated to me being in there home and for a moment I was really concerned that my presence was going to be too stressful for her. That’s when it occurred to me that I needed to apply the joining techniques of psychotherapy to building a relationship with her. She was like that defiant teenager sitting in therapy, huddled in the corner of the sofa, not wanting to make eye contact and certainly not trusting me or the process! Sometimes, animals are no different. It took some time- and a lot of patience but we made great progress by the end of the week.

I don’t think I will ever understand animal cruelty but what I do know is that animals who have suffered at the hands of abusers deserve a second chance in a loving home where they can live out their lives- surrounded with love. It takes a special family to have the patience, compassion and understanding that an abused dog needs in order to build trusting relationships again and overcome some of their fear. I am proud to work with such families and hope that I will be able to continue building positive and trusting relationships with these amazing pets!

I would like to dedicate this blog to “Jenna”, she lived a very full and rich life with her family but was called home this week. I was lucky to spend a brief time getting to know this sweet girl. My thoughts and prayers are with her family. 

Reaching Out To Those In Need

I have been working on something new and exciting the past couple weeks-I'm really still in the research stage of it but I'm ready to dive in! One of the things on my Bucket List (right above learning how to growl) is to earn a degree in the field of counseling. So, in addition to pet sitting, I am working towards my MS in Marriage and Family Therapy. I have been going back and forth about how to incorporate my absolute love for dogs with my passion for helping others- and there it was-the answer, sitting right in a comment line on our GSD breeders Facebook fan page! (See Facebook really can serve a purpose other than sucking up time that one can never get back!) Thanks to a fans comment about her GSD, I was lead to the Therapy Dogs International website which ironically is based out of the town I grew up in 500 miles away from here!

There has been plenty of evidence compiled over the years linking pet ownership to reduced stress, lowered blood pressure, increased socialization and overall better health- ask any pet owner and I'm sure they will agree-there is something about coming home after a stressful day to a wagging tail and puppy kisses that melts all the bad stuff away or the sense of calm that comes over you as you  listen to your cat purr because she is so happy you're home to pet her!

Why not share that feeling with those in need! Everyone should know the love of a pet at least once in their lifetime. Animal Assisted Therapy(AAT) and Animal Assisted Activities (AAA) programs have made such a difference in the lives of children, older adults, war veterans, victims of domestic violence, and so many more. The presence of a therapy dog has been known to encourage individual's in physical therapy, lift the spirits of folks in nursing homes, build trust between a therapist and client and give a child the courage to speak out.

I know how much love and joy my dogs bring to my life and I have no doubt that they will do the same for others so I am sure you can imagine how thrilled I was last week after meeting with my dog trainer and she told me that both of my pups would be great therapy dogs and she is happy to work with me to get one or both of them ready to be evaluated as a therapy dog next year! I am really excited about this- and for lots of reasons- but mostly because it's time to start giving back to the community and reaching out to those in need!

Volunteering is a great way to give back and it doesn't have to require a huge time commitment. There are tons of great organizations out there that desperately need people to lend a hand-even if one hour a week is all you have-I promise it can make a difference in somebody's life. If you don't know where to go, there are great sites such as volunteermatch.org that can help you get started.

Let Me Hear You Growl

So, I learned how to growl this past weekend-I know, quite an accomplishment! I can cross that one off my Bucket List! Seriously though, I never would have thought growling could be such an art. Purring, now that comes more natural but the growl-and not just any growl- an Alpha Dog growl- it comes from a place deep within!

Let's see if I can stop laughing at myself long enough to write this.....

I've had dogs my whole life and have always had a great relationship with them. Now I've got 2 puppies...I use the term puppies loosely here- one is 9 months old, the other 8 months and combined they weigh a whole lot more than me! Somewhere over the past month or so, I got booted from the alpha dog position in the pack. It wasn't an obvious shift in authority, there was no big meeting where they gently let me down and I walked away with my tail between my legs....no, this was a gradual-yet well planned demotion on their part.

It all started with that gentle placing of a paw on my knee or the nudge from a wet nose saying "pet me please" or perhaps it was the ringing of the bell to let me know they needed to go outside. Maybe it was the countless times they rolled unto their backs when I walked by wagging their tails so I would stop and give them a belly rub...perhaps I will never know where it began but I can tell you where it ended...

These pups are super smart! They learn so quickly and picked up on the basic obedience skills right away but then I hit this roadblock in their training so I called in a dog behavioral specialist/trainer this past weekend. That's when the light bulb went on and I figured out just how smart these 2 are! Turns out that they are experts in training humans! Go figure! As the trainer is going down the list of behaviors such as, when you open the door to go outside, who goes first, you or the dogs? Who goes down the stairs first, you or the dogs? When they nudge your arm, do you instantly pet them? When the dog rings the bell to go outside and you let him out just to have him bark to come back in a few seconds later...how many times do you actually get up and keep letting the dog out? (at this point I lowered my head in shame!)

So, apparently, the puppies have been training me to do whatever they want/need for quite some time now! When they want attention, I stop whatever I'm doing to hand out lots of love, when they want to make sure I know what to do when they ring the bell, they ring it over and over while I practice opening and closing the door, when they want to play catch or Frisbee and they pile all the Frisbees and tennis balls up under the tree instead of bringing them back to me, I walk over and gather them all up for the next round...I could keep going but I will spare myself further embarrassment! I quickly realized that they no longer viewed me as having leader qualities and they were prepping themselves to take over the alpha position. Before anymore work could be done, I needed to gain back their respect and take back my position as leader. That's when I learned how to growl!

Back to the trainer, there we are sitting around the kitchen table sharing stories about our pets when the trainer says-"let me hear you growl" Now for anyone reading this who knows me well enough to imagine my reaction-we're laughing together right about now! I don't want to give away all the trainers secrets...but in the end, within hours of working with my pups there was a huge difference in their behavior and I can say with confidence, I am once again the leader of this pack! My lessons learned this week..... 1. life is so much better when you can laugh at yourself,  2. it's without a doubt better when you have other people to laugh at yourself with and 3. when out in the yard with the dogs and they do something that requires a correction -next time check to make sure no neighbors are within earshot before letting out a really loud GROWL!!!