I have heard too many stories lately about couples
in conflict, marriages falling apart and a general feeling of discontent in
relationships. I listen to these stories over and over again, “You just don’t
get me”, “She has no idea what it’s like for me”, “Would it be so hard for him
to just come home, for once and act like he’s happy to be here with us” and
one of the most common “You have no idea what I need or want!”. So here’s my
big question- when is the last time you and your spouse sat down and had a REAL
conversation about wants, needs and expectations?
When you first meet someone and you are in that
dating phase, you remember- the one where you walk around on cloud nine,
finding joy in the most menial of life’s tasks, eager to reunite with that
someone special to pick up where you left off the night before. The time when
you would sit and talk, sharing little details of your life story with one
another. You share childhood memories, favorite foods, and crazy co-worker
antics, future dreams about the ideal vacation destination or the ultimate job.
As the bond gets deeper you begin to share some of the more intimate details of
your life, you know the ones that you hold closer to your heart, perhaps the
passing of a loved one that was your mentor growing up, or how hard it was when
your parents split up. You get my point… the more stories you share, the more
connected you feel and BAM- you’re in love! (Is it really that easy?)
How often during the time between your first meeting
and the decision to begin a life together as a committed couple did any of
those conversation revolve around what your love language is? I have no doubt
that everyone sits down before they move in together or get married and has a
chat about what they need emotionally from a partner, what they hope to be as a
life partner and what they expect in return. Right?
Ok, if that was the case I’d have nothing to write
about. The truth is- there is no magic wand that encircles a couple once they
get down the aisle and bestows upon them everything they need to know to
survive as a thriving couple. You have to talk to each other. Yup, you heard it
here! You are responsible for making your partner aware of how to love you
because let’s face it, they can’t read your mind. And if you’re sitting here
reading this telling yourself that you already had those conversations years
ago and something isn’t right in your relationship- people change. What someone
needed 10 years ago or even 2 years ago may be different now but you’ll never
know if you don’t have a conversation about it. And there’s always the chance
that your spouse isn’t even aware that their needs have changed.
So, what am I talking about when I say your ‘love
language’? Think about how you learned what love was growing up, most likely
you learned by watching significant others in your life- your parents, aunts
/uncles, friends. If your parents expressed love to each other through daily
hugs and kisses, more than likely if this was a positive experience for you
then you also adopt that love language. And if your spouse’s parents expressed
love by buying one another gifts but rarely showing physical expressions of
hugs and kisses, that likely becomes their learned love language. So now these
two people come together and get married, fast forward a couple years and the
spouse who feels love through hugs and physical affection may feel unloved or
unhappy in the relationship when her spouse doesn’t initiate hugging her,
holding hands and kissing. Resentment grows; she may begin to imagine the worst
case scenarios. The spouse, who has his own love language, becomes frustrated
because despite the nice house they bought, the newest model car in the
driveway etc, she never seems happy. Brace yourselves-we have marital discord.
He thinks he’s doing everything right by his wife, buying her a nice house and
new cars; because that’s what you do when you love someone. What he doesn't know is that if he simply sought his wife out, wrapped his arms around her and
whispered how much he loved her in her ear- her love bank balance would soar-
And his bank account would probably benefit too when he learned that while
gifts are a welcome surprise throughout the year, sometimes a random kiss is worth
more than the new car. But how could he know this if it's never been talked about?
See where I’m headed here? Our personal life
experiences- the good and the bad- shape how we choose to love others and how
we need to be loved in return. We are all different. Next time you find
yourself in that same pattern of feeling unloved, unappreciated, or misunderstood
by your spouse- take it for the opportunity that it is- an opportunity to have
a real conversation about how you and your spouse can better meet each other’s
needs and learn what steps you can take now to begin speaking your spouse’s
individual love language.
PS: For a great book that explains love languages in
detail, check out The Five
Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.
